So, I figured I'd actually include some us stuff too :) We've been furiously nesting and Mom and Dad are amazing. The upstairs was remodeled from nasty shag carpet that was making us sick, to plywood floors I was just going to paint, and then to a beautiful oak wood floor that Dad installed while we were in Louisiana busting his butt with every spare moment, and some help from Jonny, and when we came home Dad and Mom rocked out finished trim and caulking and nail holes, and and and...I promise to post pictures once Pete sees it, but it's going to be a visual surprise so not yet!
Katie is coming up for a week tomorrow and I'm looking forward to seeing her as is Austin. Hoping too to use the help too to put some casseroles and soups in the freezer for later, tie up the last loose ends prepping, etc.
Pete's down to his last 3 weeks in Alaska, and also in the short-staffed, cold, wet, busy time of the year. I don't get to talk with him near enough...maybe none to 15 minutes each day with the occasional 30 minute conversation. I laughed telling Pete that other couples have to adjust to less time with each other once a new baby arrives and that won't be our situation. :) We have a chain on the bathroom door we take off one link each night after bath and Austin has been talking up a storm about when Daddy comes home.
Some friends are putting together a Mother Blessing for us this Friday that I'm so looking forward to, and being so near birthing time it's also surfacing some emotions I hadn't expected. Up until this week I've been under the "baby is NOT being born until Pete is safe at home and with us" camp. I've been preparing an alternate plan just in case, but my heart certainly isn't into it and I've just been determined that my mind over matter will win on this one. I can't read the books on birth because my body and head follow...I have beautiful birthing dreams and interrupt them in my subconscious to argue with myself b/c I don't know if I allow myself to be immersed in it if that will make the baby come sooner :( I want my beautiful birthing dreams...probably more than that, I need them.
So the last few days I've been on a journey of making peace and getting to the point where I can mentally "allow" the baby to come when the baby is ready. I've been shedding lots of tears...almost a grieving for the idea that Pete may not be here for the birth. He comes home 5 days after the due date after having been gone for 4.5 months. There is a great chance he'll make it for the birth, but there is also a chance he may not, and I have to be prepared for that too.
I grieve my husband not seeing my beautiful baby belly in all it's stretched roundness. I grieve that we both feel so disconnected...that he might never be able to rub the belly and talk to the baby...sing it songs, tell it how much he loves it, bond with Austin and talk about our new baby. I grieve that the baby won't have heard Pete's voice. I grieve that he won't be at the MotherBlessing and share in all the beauty and energy and magic. I want him so much to feel connected, I know he's feeling such a sense of loss...I want him to know that the baby will grow to know him even though he hasn't been here...
So, that's my big hurdle I was unaware was coming. I have such hopes of a peaceful, beautiful birth surrounded by my family. But I also need the baby to know that it's welcome whenever it needs to come. My midwives are amazing, Mom plans to be there, Dad and/or Pete will be helping with Austin to make sure he gets snacks and time on the swing, someone to get out his paints, someone loving and caring to be with, etc. It's so important to me that it's a family-oriented thing. The books I've been reading (though slowly) are so empowering and encouraging. I'm really looking forward to having this baby! But hopefully it will be within the baby's time plans to wait for Pete...but I'm slowly getting to a place that when the baby is ready to come, I'm ready to make that happen :)
So, there's my serious post :)
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